1—1—1-1-.

Why?
Why?
You ask. ———— Why now?

We walk in silence.

Hands deep in my puffer jacket’s pockets. You're wearing black leather gloves, tapping on your pants. There is nothing left to say. So we just walk.

We walk in silence.

Our shoes are
dirty, wet and my toes are slowly going numb.

The grass is green,
sky is too
and
whatever, maybe,
not you.

I can see your favourite spot appearing in the foggy morning air.
I haven’t been up this late for a long time. We had spent the entire night talking, sitting opposite of each other in silence.
Your voice is deep. My ear sometimes starts thumping.
I had asked numerous doctors about this phenomenon but they’ve dismissed me. They told me - this can occur when exposed to too much stress.
Too much stress.
Sorry, there is nothing wrong with
your ear, you may higher your
magnesium intake, since it has
an effect on your muscles.
And thats what I did. I left the doctor’s office. Every practice I went to almost looked the same.
A big corridor, glass doors, big rooms, weird corners sometimes. Photographs or paintings.
Waiting. A space designed for waiting.
Wait. Wait.
Wait until the pharmacist finds out where to order my psychotropic drugs.
Import. , export.
Wait until the magnesium I take everyday has an effect on me. His voice is at times still too deep for me, to not get distracted by my ear thumping.
Can you speak a little higher?
No.
And I get that. Mid discussion. Mid argument, changing the tone of your voice. Suddenly talking to a child. Changing not just the tone, but the way you say things.
I tap the thumps in my ear in my puffers pocket.

1—-1—1-1-1—-1-11. ——1-11——————1.
1—-1—1-1-1—-1-11. ——1-11——————1.
1—-1—1-1-1—-1-11. ——1-11——————1.
1—-1—1-1-1—-1-11. ——1-11——————1.

And sometimes it imitates the beating of my heart. Sometimes I hear a deep voice and I remember the last time my ear thumped to it.
I sit, listening to that voice, expecting a thumping
but nothing happens.
Is this what It should be like?
So this is what it feels like to just listen. No heartbeat.
Is it happening now because I am not stressed? What are those signs my body tries to send me? Run?
Run away from every deep male voice?
Maybe the thumping in my ear is right.
This night. You told me about the time you’ve showed a dear friend of yours the ferris wheel for the first time.

I had wanted to show it to her for
a year, but I mean you know best,
how this isn’t something I do early
on. Nothing I do very often. Do you
know that i’m here more often with
you than I am by myself?

Do you know1- that- I’m
h1er1e m1ore -1ofte1n with
y1ou than 1I am by
1-myse-1-lf?

Can you speak a little higher?
——1—-1.

Silence.

He didn’t have more to say than what I heard through the thumping of my magnesium ear. I am surprised by the thumping every time it happens.
If I pour a sachet of magnesium in my ear am I going to get rid of the thumping?
The ferris wheel in my head spins. A spinning ferris wheel of us vaping. Last night when you hopped on the ferris wheel before I did, I heard my heart. You were holding onto my cold fingers, pulled me up. I haven’t been this close to you since last summer. Sometimes I wonder what the girls you’re crushing on feel like when they enter the foggy realm that you like to call your dark side. Dark side, I’d call it sincerity, maybe. Maybe nothing. Maybe honesty. But you like scaring them off, the pretty rich girls that only been in toxic relationships. ??? You’re their saviour. You’re that amazing guy who treats them like the queens they are. They fall in love with the picture you’re painting of them. Until you’re bored. You get bored of them and I stop seeing you for months. At some point you reach out and start talking about freedom while we vape raspberry on the ferris wheel. Thats when I know, she hasn’t seen you in weeks, days sometimes. I know, she won’t see you again. You’ve suddenly disappeared out of her life. So she goes back to therapy and you come back to me. She goes back to anti depressants once she realises you are not a drug, that is easy to get. There was only one time you’ve introduced me to a girl. Her name was amber, but she said she’d prefer ruby. 5th of march. One of the first days of sunshine. You told me you want to see me. On 5th of march you asked me after 4 months or so, if we could meet on the ferris wheel. I agreed, postponing the reading I did that day. You didn’t give me any further instructions, like you usually do. Like, can you bring that one book I gave you 2 years ago? do you mind bringing your dog, I wanna see him. Can you bring me a pair of gloves, I lost mine in the subway. Have you eaten? Thought about getting food beforehand. Yeah I ate, could bring you some of my left over lunch though. Then I packed a blue snack box with potatoes, spinach and a hardboiled egg. I let it sit in the microwave for 2,5 minutes. Put on my shoes, fork and snack box in my hand. can you get me a coffee on your way, Im already too far from the station. can you bring me my spare key, lost it in the changing room. So when he just sent me 21:14, I was confused. Well not really, I just knew something was up. So I looked forward, also not so much, because he never really changed something about our friendships rhythm. I wondered what it meant. So I just walked up to the ferris wheel, saw some smoke in the distance. It smelled different that day. It smelled burnt. As if the sun was as strong as she was in summer. Destroying the soft green grass. But the grass was in it’s freshest, just out of winter state. Glistering in the sun. Blackberry ice. Ruby bent over the ceiling you laughed at something she said, or did. I pushed my sunglasses in my hair, to get a better view of the scene. Ferris wheel, sunshine. A long skirt, ruby and you. I stood there for a while, you haven’t yet realised I was here. You’ve been distracted by ruby’s existence. I don’t remember for how long exactly I stood there. Peace. This was my peace. And I knew if I felt that, you’d feel it ten times more. I have no idea. I have no idea. But I knew that I witnessed something, that is far too extraordinary for a sunny day in march. Blackberry ice and green glistering.